This post was written in August 2013. I am no longer living in Taiwan, though my journey with this plant continues.
What words can I use to describe Mother Ayahuasca?
She is fierce.
She is compassionate.
She knows.
She is a teacher.
Since March 2, 2013, I have journeyed with this sacred plant medicine on eight occasions. I know it will be many months before I drink again. And so I want to record these initial experiences for memory’s sake, for my friends, and to share with others who may be interested in journeying some day or who are simply curious about what kind of wisdom this powerful plant consciousness has to share with us.
Note: The experiences described below are of course, unique to me — my personal karma and soul make-up. But I know there are universal strands of truth here that are meant for all of us to hear.
Some of my journeys were undertaken in the beautiful mountains of central Taiwan, others were held in small apartments in concrete grey Taipei. All of them were powerful, eye-opening experiences for which I am ridiculously, deeply, grateful for. I am also so appreciative of the love, care, and friendship my fellow journeyers have shared with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.
The following is written in the wise, booming, authoritative voice of Mother Ayahuasca, as she is still in my body now as I sit here typing away. It is August 11, 2013. I find it easier to share these intense experiences in this way, and I hope Aya will also reveal some of herself to you through my words.
You laid down outside, with the group of warriors. You were terrified. Terrified about what I was going to show you. But you went in anyway. “I’m willing to go in.” You drank the first cup. The waves of nausea began. I worked through every cell in your body, churning up the layers of hurt, of pain, of self-loathing, of guilt, of fear. You purged into your bucket several times, feeling scared, feeling pain, yet you put on a brave face. There was no turning back. Cold, so cold.
You went back into your tent. Eventually…warmth. Icaros. The singing, the beautiful singing. You sang along, however softly and hesitantly. I showed you the peace inside you. You smiled so big. Ahhhh.
Time for the second cup. Disgusting. Drink it down. Back into the tent. The purging begins as I course through you. Waves and waves and waves. You are frozen in place, so scared, so unsure. Always trying to follow the rules, to fit yourself into a box. You felt like a prisoner, and you knew not that you carried the key.
The drumming began. Boom ba boom ba BOOM ba boom ba BOOM….. Yes, you were waking up now. The life was stirring inside of you. The vibrations entering into your ears and into your body. Warmth, comfort, safety flooded your being. An angelic helper peeked his head into the tent and you experienced the energy of love and connection. Rest now, rest.
The music awakens your being once more. Your Spirit wants to move. Your karmic patterns want you to stay put. Which one wins? Spirit, for now. You emerge from your tent ready to celebrate, to dance, to express the joy and freedom within you. But all you see is darkness and hazy forms. No one is dancing. You are frozen again. You feel alone. You feel afraid. You feel insecure. Habitual energy pushes Spirit down, down, down. You return to your tent, so defeated, sad, confused.
You lay there feeling the push and pull of polar energies. Sometimes joy, sometimes hatred. Sometimes laughter, sometimes jealousy. You suffer greatly through the cold and the nausea and the confusion. I purge you. I am showing you all that is within you. Your potential, your patterns. Look at it, dear human. Do not reject it.
You woke up the following morning confused. Much of your system overhauled, rewired, unbeknownst to you. You plaster on the brave face. But you cannot hide from yourself. Here comes the flood of tears. You don’t understand the mighty depths of your sadness, but you don’t need to understand. Just release. Just let go. It is time now to awaken to yourself.
Yes, you entered into my embrace even in the hours before the ceremony began. You allowed Nature to imbue your being. The mountains, the trees, the water, the stones, the grass, the sky. You invited us all in and the healing began. The previous few weeks, since your first journey, you had reconnected with your body, with movement, with sound. You heard my message to use dance to bring the energy, light, and love back into your being, to reawaken it. You recognized the imbalances of yin and yang in your body for the first time in your life. The real work had begun.
Your intentions were strong. You wanted to heal and to understand who you are and why you are here. “To know is to serve,” you repeated again and again. Yes, indeed.
You drank one and a half cups off the bat. That was all you needed. I guided you to empty your space until only your yoga mat remained. You began to move your body. You witnessed your own grace and beauty, as if for the first time, and it was also witnessed by some around you. It was natural.
You desired to see “visions,” so I let you have it. Beautiful, no? The colors, the movement, the patterns. The funhouse. I think you know that those visions did not carry meaning; not for you, not that time. You wanted it so I gave it to you. Have you noticed I have not really given you visions since then? Visions are not your path into my realm. I enter through your thoughts, your sense of knowing. Claircognizance, they call it. That is your gift.
The clowns began to show themselves. But you were not ready. You know what they symbolize for you now, don’t you? (Readers, see Journey #7.) You asked me to “tone it down” and I did as you asked. You returned to your body and this Earth, though not to your mind and senses.
It was time for more cleaning. Purification. Preparation. You held onto that bucket for dear life. Into the tunnel of darkness, whooooooosh. You glimpsed the white-clothed “men” who seemed to be from another planet. Two rows. Working in unison. You were not sure what to make of them. Were they benevolent? It is not time to know this yet. Perhaps one of your readers will enlighten you when the time is right.
Physically, it was painful, as purging often is. Emotionally, you were deeply connected to your fellow journeyers — that connection is always there, you know? You are learning how to tap into it. You laughed with them. You played with them. You felt their being. So much that you thought you could read their minds and that they could read yours. You were embarrassed that it took you so long to awaken this power — a power that you assumed many of your companions already had. It is true that you all have these abilities. The time to fully set them free is near…but not yet.
Mentally, you would not surrender. You insisted on struggling to remember your limited experience of this world: day and night, place of birth, time, occupation, names, your identity in relation to others. You kept saying, “I just want to remember. When is this going to be over?” When you could not remember, you felt tremendous anxiety and fear. It is ok. You were just unable to let go at the time.
You humans hold your individual experience of “reality” so close to your heart, as if it is your only life line. When it shatters, you feel lost. It is ok. Slowly, slowly.
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To download the PDF of my entire ayahuasca post series (eight journeys, 20 pages) click here.
Stephanie says
Wow Stephanie, such a beautiful and surrendering post of LOVE.
I too have worked with sacred plants, but have never worked with “Aya”. What a journey you have experienced, and it is humbling and beautiful that you share these thoughts selflessly so others can connect with a similar experience.
Thank you so much for your rawness and beauty. Never let that go…
Love and light,
STeph x
Stephanie says
Oh Steph, I appreciate your words and support so much. Thank you! I’d love to hear about your work with sacred plants some time. Very curious. 🙂
Robert The says
Great to read how you have a more integrated perspcctive and understanding of what happened those first times. Can’t wait to read the rest!
Stephanie says
I can’t wait to share the rest! Robert, you played a huge role in my introduction to this beautiful, powerful plant. I admire you a lot. Much love and thanks!
carmel says
can’t wait to see you after you’ve integrated those changes. i just saw one of your fellow travelers…and the degrees of strength and freedom he accumulated are very much showing. 🙂
Stephanie says
Ahh, BIG smile! I know what you mean. 🙂 Thanks for reading, Carmel. I’m looking forward to seeing you too!
Israel Kanner says
Ayahuasca reveals the human in you. <3 So much inspiration in one post. Thank you, thank you, more please.
Stephanie says
And our humanness is AWESOME. I’m glad you enjoyed this, love. “Happy. Thank you. More please!” Haha.
Erez Schneider says
Though we have traveled together, this post show me how much more this medicine has to offer, truly makes me want to go on another journey!
Stephanie says
😀 Looking forward to it.
Doc says
Hi Stephanie. I’m living in Taichung now, where can I try ayahuasca? I would love to try it in the mountains – ideally at a proper retreat.