The post below depicts my seventh and perhaps most powerful journey with La Madre so far. To have experienced this painful lesson at all fills my being with intense gratitude.
Note: This account is written in the wise, booming, authoritative voice of Mother Ayahuasca. I find it easier to share these intense experiences in this way, and I hope Aya will also reveal some of herself to you through my words.
JULY 30, 2013 (at Stephanie’s home in Taipei)
Now you were ready to face the clowns.
As you lay on the couch, easing your way into your journey, your ears filled with the sound of the icaros. You had heard this particular series of icaros six previous times, yet indeed this was the first time you truly listened.
You felt the darkness approach. It was familiar to you by now. It often accompanied your purging. You lay there, swaying to the music, waiting. Your mind was running more than usual and you felt resistance present in your body.
Suddenly a single word emerged from your lips: YES.
You began to use this as your mantra. Every few minutes, softly whispering to me: yes. Inviting me in.
You closed your eyes, and soon after this the clowns began to encroach. Dozens of clown faces floated closer and closer to you against a backdrop of pitch black darkness. Your fear was intense. (As a child, you had developed a fear of a toy stuffed clown in your closet, and were further traumatized by a way-too-early viewing of Steven King’s It.) You tried to keep your eyes closed as long as possible. Trying not to resist. After one minute you could no longer bear the terror, and you opened your eyes.
The energy of the clowns were still there, still moving toward you. But you felt a bit more in control. Suddenly something surged up from your being and you shot off of the couch and toward your purge bucket. BLEEEEEHHHHHH. Only air emerged, but the energy that was released was immense. Your partner would later describe the sound you made in that moment as the loudest sound in the entire Universe.
The clowns faded away. You knew what they represented. The shadow side of humankind. Those dark aspects that you had been fighting most of your life to hide or reject. Why were they so scary? After all, you hadn’t done such horrible things in your life, had you?
How dark could your dark side really be that they would evoke such terror?
It was time to show you the truth.
WHOOOSH.You are responsible.
The slaughter in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge. You created it.
The Holocaust. It was you.
Scene after scene from “The Sopranos” ran through your mind. You winced in pain, feeling the wrenching sorrow and horrific violence pierce your soul. It is your own.
The truth was undeniable. You saw it.
You knew, down to the very core of your being, that your nature as a human who had walked the Earth for hundreds of lifetimes guaranteed you a direct hand in the perpetuation of suffering: from the familiar agonies of daily life to the worst atrocities human history had seen.
You writhed back and forth on the floor in unbearable pain. You could not deny it. You could only accept it fully. Yes. And as you surrendered to seeing yourself, wave upon wave of Gaia’s suffering coursed through your body with a force unreached in previous journeys.
You finally understood why you had experienced the suffering of Earth in previous journeys at all. Until then, you had vainly guessed that perhaps it was part of your role as a woman and as a lightworker to take on this torment — you had assumed you were processing a darkness and pain that was not your own.
No, my dear. You process it because you share direct responsibility in it. You are a part of it. It is only because you are a part of it that you can process it, witness it, bear the energetic fruits of it, and in doing so, heal it. There is no such thing as separation.
You tumbled through a cycle of anguish for what seemed like eternity.
Yes, you repeated to me over and over.
It hurts, you whimpered to your love.
I can do this, you whispered to yourself.
Only when you accept responsibility for the full extent of the darkness in you — the clown in you, the monster in you, the rapist in you, the tyrant in you, the mobster in you, the murderer in you — can the full spectrum of your brilliant light shine in the world.
Only then can you truly love yourself. Only then can you truly love others. Until that day, you will continue to perpetuate illusions of separation that bind the world in fear.
YOU CAN DO IT.
Image source: http://freddyo.com
Jung called this integrating the shadow. And it is one of the most important things to do in a lifetime. Thanks for sharing your travels with us.
Yes. Awesome. Thanks for reading and commenting, Michel!
So thats what they mean!
For a period of about two weeks I smoked DMT and consistently saw the images of clowns and jesters.
Upon my first encounter with them the creatures were jesters. Mechanical, flipping, changing, robotic jesters. At first the Jesters were welcoming and pleasant. They called out to me “Welcome back! Welcome home!” And it felt wonderful being welcomed by them and I felt so at home!
As I continued to smoke more and more, the Jesters were soon replaced with clowns. The clowns were not so nice. The clowns were slow moving with harrowing faces. They were dressed as gang bangers with clown make up on. However, I could sense their immense power. “What are YOU doing here!?” They questioned. “Its time for you to leave” they told me. They werent like the Jesters. They were defensive and mean.
For a long time I thought of this on a more superficial level. I felt that these jesters and clowns were built into the crystal DMT experience, since so many people report seeing “mechanical elves.” And I figured that these elves (jesters) were good and imparted knowledge while the clowns were evil and withheld or protected knowledge.
However, I gathered something from the clowns. They told me I had had “too much of a good thing for now.” And that using DMT like I had been was abusive and could cause problems. I believed them. So I stopped.
After reading this article, Im beginning to think that the Good Jesters and Evil Clowns are symbols for my light and shadow aspects. Both sides had my best interest at heart, but had been destabilized and needed re balancing.
Wow, this is SO interesting. Thanks for sharing, Eric. I had no idea that many people report seeing “mechanical elves” on DMT. I wonder if they are some sort of universal archetype? Have you looked into their meaning?
And you know what’s crazy about what you shared? Similar to your experience where the Jesters were replaced my clowns, in my second journey (https://www.stephanieylin.com/m… I had really whimsical fun visions of being in a playhouse with those funhouse colors of bubble gum pink and neon blue, you know? But then….the scene starting feeling more ominous and eventually I began to see the clowns! I actually asked the medicine to stop because I was scared. I told her “Please tone it down, it’s too much,” and immediately the visions disappeared and I was back in my body. When the clowns came in this seventh journey I decided to go through it by saying, “Yes,” and bearing the intense pain and fear. It was worth it because this is definitely one of the most powerful realizations I’ve had.
I’m not sure the clowns and jesters symbolize the same thing for everyone, but if it resonates with you I’d definitely go in deeper and explore. No doubt you’ll eventually understand what you need to understand… For me, the categories of good and evil, black and white, don’t fit into my understanding of reality anymore. Thanks again for sharing and keep me updated! 🙂
P.S. I’ve never smoked DMT but perhaps your interpretation about slowing down or stopping was what exactly you needed at the time. I do feel there’s an added element with aya vs DMT, mainly the consciousness of the plant herself which is very healing and benevolent, though fierce. That consciousness may be lacking with DMT so it could be more vulnerable to abuse? But I do believe that pure intention and protecting yourself and the space energetically can keep things safe. Best to you!
I read the book “DMT: The Spirit Molecule” a while back and Dr Rick Strassman, the lead researcher who administered DMT intravenously, found that “Mechanical Elves” were very prevalent and were a common theme among most people.
The two most common theories for the elves are either:
A) The elves are a visual personification of your imagination at work. DMT is so visual and dynamic that it can even give life to the inner workings of your thoughts.
or
B) The elves are actually inter dimensional beings that become known to us when we access higher states of consciousness.
My gut tells me its probably B more so than A. But Im not sure. Its a mystery to me. Do either of these resonate with you?
Ive actually done Ayahuasca a number of times over the years (some trips more insightful than others) however the Jesters and Clowns have altogether been lacking from those experiences. With the crystals on the other hand, the Jesters have appeared almost every time after the first time I smoked.
Its true, Ayahuasca is the ultimate awakening. It awakens the body as well as the mind. The crystals only seem to access the mind. The stomach contains the second largest number of neurotransmitters after the brain. Bypassing this form of ingestion greatly reduces the potency. I feel that negating the stomach and going straight to the brain was never nature’s intent.
Ive tried Aya with both Syrian Rue and B Caapi. B Caapi definitely adds another layer of plant intelligence :]
I no longer see Good and Evil either. However, my Scorpionic mind likes to paint things in duality 😛
P.S. The Crystals are more “fun,” but they definitely dont provide that deep spiritual cleanse that Ayahuasca offers. I could smoke DMT anyday…but Aya is something I need to sit down and consider…for months lol. Anyway, you’re not missing much.
Interesting sharing, in the P.S. especially. Confirms some things for me. Also had no idea about the stomach and neurotransmitters, very cool. About the elves, B resonates with me more as well…though it scares me a bit. I suppose most of us aren’t ready for contact with these beings except in altered states where they’re somewhat expected to appear and therefore not so feared. Super curious about them…
Wow, this is SO interesting. Thanks for sharing, Eric. I had no idea that many people report seeing “mechanical elves” on DMT. I wonder if they are some sort of universal archetype? Have you looked into their meaning?
And you know what’s crazy about what you shared? Similar to your experience where the Jesters were replaced my clowns, in my second journey (https://www.stephanieylin.com/mother-ayahuasca-journeys-1-and-2/) I had really whimsical fun visions of being in a playhouse with those funhouse colors of bubble gum pink and neon blue, you know? But then….the scene starting feeling more ominous and eventually I began to see the clowns! I actually asked the medicine to stop because I was scared. I told her “Please tone it down, it’s too much,” and immediately the visions disappeared and I was back in my body. When the clowns came in this seventh journey I decided to go through it by saying, “Yes,” and bearing the intense pain and fear. It was worth it because this is definitely one of the most powerful realizations I’ve had.
I’m not sure the clowns and jesters symbolize the same thing for everyone, but if it resonates with you I’d definitely go in deeper and explore. No doubt you’ll eventually understand what you need to understand… For me, the categories of good and evil, black and white, don’t fit into my understanding of reality anymore. Thanks again for sharing and keep me updated! 🙂
P.S. I’ve never smoked DMT but perhaps your interpretation about slowing down or stopping was what exactly you needed at the time. I do feel there’s an added element with aya vs DMT, mainly the consciousness of the plant herself which is very healing and benevolent, though fierce. That consciousness may be lacking with DMT so it could be more vulnerable to abuse? But I do believe that pure intention and protecting yourself and the space energetically can keep things safe. Best to you!