Today we have a guest post by the soulful Annika Martins on how mis-applying spiritual ideals can lead to silencing our own opinions. She writes gorgeously about how love and acceptance of others CAN co-exist with disagreeing with them. Read on!
Pssst…if you want to learn more about navigating the tricky journey of spirituality, join my FREE 6-day Challenge on Spiritual Bypassing. We begin on March 30!
Has this ever happened to you?:
You’re in a conversation, nodding + smiling along to what the other person is saying.
But 10 seconds later, you really get what they just said, you really hear it, and you realize you’ve been nodding + smiling along to their words, but you completely disagree with them.
Or maybe you even think what they’ve said is a bold-faced lie. Or just plain ol’ mean.
Ever been there?
This used to happen to me constantly.
I wanted harmony and connectedness so badly that I defaulted to assuming that if we’re making eye contact and you’re fully focused on me, talking with enthusiasm and energy, then clearly, you must be a good person who I should wholeheartedly support in all things.
Obviously, right?
*this is where I facepalm myself*
Usually, after something like this happened, I’d beat myself up about it for weeks.
Mentally chastising myself for not sharing my opinion or for just not being quick enough on my feet to digest their comments and pop out an immediate, intelligent reply.
And at some point in each one of these self-kicking sessions, I’d rationalize my irritation away with thoughts like:
Actually, it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t going to change her opinion anyway.
It’s good I didn’t say anything – that’s just my ego wanting to be ‘right’.
This was an opportunity to practice Acceptance and Unconditional Love.
. . .
One of the things I love most about our spiritual community is that the vast majority of our discourse is on the Light. We focus on joy, loving-kindness, optimism and We are all ONE-ness. I love it.
This is where I want to place the majority of my life’s focus:
My neighborhood = Light Lane.
BUT.
One of the dangers we face in making these lite feelings and beliefs the hottest game in town, is that things like DISAGREEMENT get relegated to a lower status.
We bandy about refrains like:
Accept people as they are.
Allow differences of opinion without resistance.
Embrace compassion, not confrontation.
Of course. Right on, family.
But here’s the branch we need to add to this tree:
You can softly accept their views and stand strong in your vastly different political perspective.
You can feel abiding, eternal love for her and decide to end the relationship.
You can extend compassion and clearly state that you’re done with that old school, patriarchal mess.
Walking the spiritual path of acceptance and love for all does not require that you drop the values, opinions and perspectives that make you your unique self.
It does not mean that your values and much-needed boundaries need to be washed away in order to be deemed spiritually pure.
How about Light is about love and compassion and acceptance AND about truth-telling and not sugarcoating or avoiding?
How about Light welcomes all your parts, including the capacities of your mind to think a thing through and say Yep, totally with you or Actually, no, I don’t see it that way?
How about Light fuses Love + Authenticity, instead of choosing one over the other?
This blindly-smiley-forever-nodding version of the spiritual person is played out. It doesn’t serve us and it doesn’t help us serve.
I smile at you because I love you.
And when I disagree with you (and I probably will), the love is still right.here.
Always, love.
Annika Martins is the host of The Sacred Podcast, where she has conversations with spiritual seekers of all kinds. When she’s not interviewing people for the podcast, she writes about her life as a spiritual curator — which is kinda like being a museum curator, except instead of curating paintings, she curates spiritual practices. From prayer and eyes open meditation to dance and self-touch (oh ya!), pack your curiosity and prepare to expand your definition of what’s high and holy.
See the Sacred. Your way. It’s all going down at AnnikaMartins.com.
Love this bit “Accepting someone else’s views does not mean you need to be silent about your own.” Yes I have gone down that road rather too often as well. And I tell myself that I am being accepting and loving by not voicing my own opinions and of course that is a comfortable lie – the truth is I am scared of conflict and would rather dodge the issue.
what I like here is the permission to speak our own truth, without having to have an argument, just be clear about what we think at the same time as being loving to the other person. It’s a challenge but I will keep this in mind next time I let a shadow fall over my own light.
Nice guest post – thank you!
Yes, I’ve been there too, Kate. I use to (in school especially) be too scared to share my opinion period, let alone an opinion that went against others. Exactly, we can start re-training our brain to understand that disagreement doesn’t mean that the love has disappeared. Annika’s words are gems. Thanks for taking the time to share!
Love the self-awareness and honesty you’re sharing here, Kate. Beautiful. It might feel like a challenge at first, because it’s not our usual pattern, but like a muscle that you’re re-training, practice helps it feel more true. No more shadows on your light. 🙂 All love, Annika.