To read about my ayahuasca journeys #1 and #2, click HERE.
Note: This account is written in the wise, booming, authoritative voice of Mother Ayahuasca. I find it easier to share these intense experiences in this way, and I hope Aya will also reveal some of herself to you through my words.
You had no idea it was time. Time to face your fear of death.
Death. The human does not truly fear death because he fears obliteration or pain or punishment. No. She fears death because she is terrified of the unknown. The abyss.
If the human knew that death was really the road Home (though he usually doesn’t choose to stay Home for long), what would there be to fear?
But she does not know. And so she fears.
You did not die that night, in that unfamiliar city apartment, with your mostly unfamiliar travel mates. Instead, you witnessed your fear of death — as well as your fierce desire to live.
We started with the purging. There were many layers of energetic impressions (“karma,” as they say) to neutralize. Karma no longer serves you humans. Times have changed and the energy of this planet has shifted. You are no longer bound to “play out” your karma lifetime after lifetime. In fact, on this new Earth the concept itself is losing its relevance.
That evening I plunged through your karmic layers, your cells, your DNA. This time I was not so gentle. You succumbed to my work. Crying with abandon. Cold. Feeling helpless.
The climax came when I was tunneling deep into your systems. You could no longer feel your body. Everything was blurry. The tornadoes of nausea tossed you around your journey space. When you felt your bodily systems shutting down, all of the inner fluids merging with each other, and you knew not if you were throwing up, urinating, or defecating,that was your LIMIT.
That was when the thought came.
“I’m dying.”
The FEAR flooded in with intensity. Then came the resistance. Then came the deluge of thoughts and emotions. There was so much you still wanted to do. What a tragic mistake that it was about to be over so soon! Oh no, now your fellow journeyers were going to have to call the police.
You imagined yourself being taken down the stairs in a body bag, on a stretcher. They would be in big trouble. They would panic and be so scared. Their life would be turned upside down. And of course, they would be deeply sad and traumatized.
Guilt flooded over you. And then a sudden and desperate surge of will to TRY NOT TO DIE.
You dove across the floor into the arms of your man, your love.
“AM I DYING? Am I dying? I don’t want to die. I want to live. Am I dying?” Your eyes were wider and darker than black stones. Fear inhabited your entire being.
“Noooooo, no, you’re not dying. You’re alive. You’re ALIVE.” He grinned with amusement. You did not believe him.
“Smile,” he said. “You have to smile.” You thought he was seriously commanding you to smile — some sort of time-tested technique to prevent dying. And so you contorted your face into a massive fake grin, subsequently causing your partner to bowl over in laughter.
It was at that point you knew, however subtly, that you were not going to die that night. You collapsed like a child into the laps of one earth angel to another. One coached you to breathe. Breathe. Another whispered to you to remember love. LOVE.
“Remember love?” you kept asking. For you could not conjure up a single good feeling, nor remember what love felt like. You just knew it was good.
When the ceremony ended, you sat in the bathtub for two hours. Confused. Anxious. Frustrated. Sad.
The pieces of your former reality were still dispersed, and in its place you glimpsed the suffering of the world. The Boston marathon bombing flashed through your consciousness. You witnessed all the connected elements of the incident in one flash. Hurricane Sandy. Flash. The pain of humans in their ignorance and confusion. Flash.
For now, mental thought-images and emotions only. Your physical processing of Gaia’s experience would come in later journeys.
Now it was time to rest. To integrate. To process. To prepare for the ground for the challenging journeys to come.
You had vivid nightmares the following evening. When you awoke, I/we gave you this message:
“Surround yourself with positive energies.”
So let it be.
To download the PDF of my entire ayahuasca post series (eight journeys, 20 pages) click here.
Honey Rose Blossom says
This was really beautiful to read. I can so relate to the need for integration afterwards, that was probably the hardest part for me, coming out into the world with a huge open heart and feeling everything so deeply, only to see and feel how shut down and closed off most of us generally are. It was hard to relate to the world again and I felt like I had nobody to share it with. So wonderful to read about your journeys…. looking forward to reading more! Thank you for sharing.
The first insight in the first journey I had was looking at a rhododendron flower. I have been a florist for 20 years but suddenly I felt like I had never REALLY experienced a flower before, in all of it’s multidimensional beauty. It dawned on me that in truth I am just like a flower, that we all are, our hearts are all opening like flowers. Delicate, radiant, joyful and pure.
Stephanie says
I know, the contrast can be disturbing. I struggled with that after this particular journey, walking back onto the street the next morning. It seems it was more of a brief phase because I haven’t felt it so much since then. The hope eventually returned. How did you deal with your feelings and integration?
Wow, the flower experience sounds beautiful. (Just googled images of rhododendron, hehe. What color were you?) We are like flowers….[smile] 🙂