Note: This post was written in February 2013. I official quit my PhD in April 2015.
That’s gonna take a while to sink in.
But I’ve made up my mind.
Universe, let’s go.
Ok, let’s get real. In “reality,” I have not made a final decision to quit my PhD program. That will come later, if at all. But that’s not really the point. That’s not what made me wake up today feeling light and excited to start the day.
The point is that I’ve made up my mind that I want to quit, and that I’m going to take this powerful, lingering, soul-tugging feeling very seriously. I’m going to take it and run like hell with it, where ever it may lead me.
This feeling “I want to quit” has come over me a handful of times in the past, more so in the first couple years of the PhD program. Each time, I’d cry about it, take a million deep breaths and sigh like a crazy person, and then eventually I would make up my mind to shake it off and get my butt back in gear. No looking back. No stopping to ask myself, Hey lady, so, hey…what if you do quit?
I am six years and five months into the program right now. And I’m f-ing over it. What am I over? I’m over devoting my precious life energy to “finishing the degree.” God, how many times I’ve said those three sad words in the past – to myself, to family, to friends, to strangers.
From this day on, I promise myself to never say those words again in relation to all the lovely things I *used to* think I could do only after I had my PhD in hand. I’m going to start thinking and doing those things now. I’ve made up my mind. The degree is no longer my priority, because I can honestly say it does not and has not brought me true, deep joy.
So why not quit right now? Why not write that “we need to talk” e-mail to my wonderful bodhisattva-of-an-advisor? Because I don’t feel (yet?) that that move is necessary for me to start living my life in a completely different, healthier, and more joyful way. I’m also not sure that I want to end my path to earning the degree when I’ve come so freakin’ far. I need to take some more time to think on that. But I am sure that I cannot physically and mentally go on the same old way I have been living and feeling for the past few years. I know this in my bones, in my heart, in my whole being.
The first sign came a few days ago when I stayed frozen in bed for two hours, with the afternoon sun shining outside my window, just refusing, not wanting, dreading, to get up and work on my dissertation chapter. Eventually, habit kicked in, brain numbed out negative feelings (after years of practice, it had gotten really good at this), and I got my butt up and got to work.
The next day I sat down in front of my Mac again, surrounded by pages and pages of notes. Almost mechanically, I started typing away. Tap, tap, tap. Hours passed. Then, in one precious moment, I stopped to feel, to actually feel, what was going on in my body and mind. Once given the slightest opening, something in me started firing away, saying, There is not a single fiber in my body that wants to write this chapter. Doing this has no meaning for me. I’ve done the research, I’ve learned the things about these that I wanted to learn. Done. No need to sit here fluffing up my findings to make it sound profound. It’s cool to know, sure. These dead people said this, they did this, they believed this. Awesome.
So why am I doing this? Seriously, why? Do I have to do this?
And then came the thought that changed everything.
Hey lady, so, hey…what if you do quit?
Whoa.
No need to replay the long hours that followed. Let’s just say it involved an amazing and supportive boyfriend, and a lot of talking, crying, thinking, and “buts.” Then the “buts” turned in to “maybes.” The “maybes” turned into hesitant nods. And finally, the hesitant nods turned into defiant little bursts of fire that went something like, Yeah, it’s true! I can’t do this anymore. Something has to change. I’m not going to do this to anymore. And you know what? [Pause for diva chin-jutting] I don’t have to.
Ohhh, snap. 🙂 Major mind shift right there. A wave of freedom came over me. Some fear was there too. Uncertainty as well. But something big shifted that night.
When I woke up the next morning (could it be only yesterday?) my first ego-thought was that I should continue working on my chapter, meet my upcoming deadline, and then after that start focusing on how to implement this shift that I knew in my heart was important. But then I made up my mind to choose differently. Putting aside those ego-thoughts, I decided that I’d go with that same flowing mode of being that led up to my previous night’s “revelation”; a mode of surrender and of trusting that the universe knows better.
I called my parents in New York. (I’m in Asia doing research at the moment.) Enter blow-out conversation that I’ll save for another post. Then I fell into bed, exhausted. But this time I tuned in, instead of tuning out. Later, I got up and sat down in front of my Mac again. I wanted to see how it would feel to give my chapter writing another go. Again, I froze. Did. Not. Want. To. Write. No. No. No.
So, I didn’t.
Instead I did what I wanted to do, which is to start my journey to discovering what career and lifestyle will really make me feel alive, what will truly bring me joy, and what will genuinely serve and grow the love in this world. I gotta say, that sounds pretty awesome to me. That excites me.
It’s a little pathetic, or perhaps totally normal (f*ck normal; my new mantra), but this is the first time in my life I actually feel like I can do anything I want. It is so incredibly strange and unfamiliar to me. I feel like I’m still tip-toeing around this notion, but the corners of my lips turning upward every time I think about it let me know that it’s sinking in. It’s becoming my new reality. I can do anything my little heart desires. No one can stop me, because I’ve made up my mind. That feels GOOD.
CC says
…Exactly! 🙂 Takes a lot of courage to make a decision like that, but it sounds like you made one that suits you perfectly.