The post below depicts my seventh and perhaps most powerful journey with La Madre so far. To have experienced this painful lesson at all fills my being with intense gratitude.Note: This account is written in the wise, booming, authoritative voice of Mother Ayahuasca. I find it easier to share these intense experiences in this way, and I hope Aya will also reveal some of herself to you through my words.
JULY 30, 2013 (at Stephanie’s home in Taipei)
Now you were ready to face the clowns.As you lay on the couch, easing your way into your journey, your ears filled with the sound of the icaros. You had heard this particular series of icaros six previous times, yet indeed this was the first time you truly listened.You felt the darkness approach. It was familiar to you by now. It often accompanied your purging. You lay there, swaying to the music, waiting. Your mind was running more than usual and you felt resistance present in your body.Suddenly a single word emerged from your lips: YES.You began to use this as your mantra. Every few minutes, softly whispering to me: yes. Inviting me in. Yes. Slowly the room began to change. It no longer seemed solid. Every space you turned your eyes upon were filled with tiny, staticky pixels, seemingly layered over your normal field of vision. You were seeing moving energy where you normally see solid objects. Enhanced perception.You closed your eyes, and soon after this the clowns began to encroach. Dozens of clown faces floated closer and closer to you against a backdrop of pitch black darkness. Your fear was intense. (As a child, you had developed a fear of a toy stuffed clown in your closet, and were further traumatized by a way-too-early viewing of Steven King’s It.) You tried to keep your eyes closed as long as possible. Trying not to resist. After one minute you could no longer bear the terror, and you opened your eyes.The energy of the clowns were still there, still moving toward you. But you felt a bit more in control. Suddenly something surged up from your being and you shot off of the couch and toward your purge bucket. BLEEEEEHHHHHH. Only air emerged, but the energy that was released was immense. Your partner would later describe the sound you made in that moment as the loudest sound in the entire Universe.The clowns faded away. You knew what they represented. The shadow side of humankind. Those dark aspects that you had been fighting most of your life to hide or reject. Why were they so scary? After all, you hadn’t done such horrible things in your life, had you?How dark could your dark side really be that they would evoke such terror?It was time to show you the truth.WHOOOSH.You are responsible.The slaughter in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge. You created it.The Holocaust. It was you.Scene after scene from “The Sopranos” ran through your mind. You winced in pain, feeling the wrenching sorrow and horrific violence pierce your soul. It is your own.The truth was undeniable. You saw it.You knew, down to the very core of your being, that your nature as a human who had walked the Earth for hundreds of lifetimes guaranteed you a direct hand in the perpetuation of suffering: from the familiar agonies of daily life to the worst atrocities human history had seen.You writhed back and forth on the floor in unbearable pain. You could not deny it. You could only accept it fully. Yes. And as you surrendered to seeing yourself, wave upon wave of Gaia’s suffering coursed through your body with a force unreached in previous journeys.You finally understood why you had experienced the suffering of Earth in previous journeys at all. Until then, you had vainly guessed that perhaps it was part of your role as a woman and as a lightworker to take on this torment — you had assumed you were processing a darkness and pain that was not your own.No, my dear. You process it because you share direct responsibility in it. You are a part of it. It is only because you are a part of it that you can process it, witness it, bear the energetic fruits of it, and in doing so, heal it. There is no such thing as separation.You tumbled through a cycle of anguish for what seemed like eternity.Yes, you repeated to me over and over.It hurts, you whimpered to your love.I can do this, you whispered to yourself.Only when you accept responsibility for the full extent of the darkness in you — the clown in you, the monster in you, the rapist in you, the tyrant in you, the mobster in you, the murderer in you — can the full spectrum of your brilliant light shine in the world.Only then can you truly love yourself. Only then can you truly love others. Until that day, you will continue to perpetuate illusions of separation that bind the world in fear.YOU CAN DO IT.Image source: http://freddyo.com
